For the fifth day of Cards Against Humanity Saves America, we used your money to fund one year of monthly public opinion polls. We’ll ask the American people about their social and political views, what they think of the president, and their pee-pee habits.
In fact, we secretly started polling three months ago. What a delightful surprise!
To conduct our polls in a scientifically rigorous manner, we’ve partnered with Survey Sampling International — a professional research firm — to contact a nationally representative sample of the American public. For the first three polls, we interrupted people’s dinners on both their cell phones and landlines, and a total of about 3,000 adults didn’t hang up immediately. We examined the data for statistically significant correlations, and boy did we find some stuff.
For December’s Pulse of the Nation survey, we shrunk ourselves in a tiny submarine and voyaged into the Republican mind. Using public voter registration records, we contacted a random sample of 800 registered Republicans and asked them about their core values and moral principles.
Getting all Offended
Republicans have had it up to here with everyone being a special snowflake. They’re nearly unanimous in their belief that “people should not be so easily offended.”
Getting all Offended – 2 of 4
Now let’s all take a sip of water and see what Republicans think about Black Lives Matter:
Getting all Offended – 3 of 4
The Republicans who are offended by Black Lives Matter are the same Republicans who think people shouldn’t be so easily offended.
Getting all Offended – 4 of 4
Republicans who approve of Trump are more likely to suffer from this cognitive dissonance than Republicans who disapprove of Trump.
Republicans consider themselves to be staunch defenders of free speech. Most of them think you should be allowed to express a political opinion in the workplace without getting fired.
Free Speech – 2 of 4
However, if your workplace is a sports stadium, and your job is “athlete,” you better shut the fuck up about politics and respect the flag!
Free Speech – 3 of 4
These are obviously irreconcilable political positions. And yet here we are.
Free Speech – 4 of 4
Once again, Trump-supporting Republicans are more “ideologically” “flexible” than Republicans who disapprove of Trump.
Most Republicans think we should be more suspicious—as opposed to more trusting—of foreigners.
Foreigners – 2 of 4
This makes sense. We should be suspicious of foreigners who are openly hostile to American interests, like Vladimir Putin. Oh, wait.
Foreigners – 3 of 4
One in three Republicans manage to distrust foreigners while trusting Vladimir Putin.
Foreigners – 4 of 4
Republicans who approve of Trump are over twice as likely to pull off this feat of mental gymnastics than Republicans who disapprove of Trump.
OK, we’re getting to the point where exposing hypocrisy is no longer funny and just kind of sad.
We asked Republicans if they thought the government should place tighter restrictions on who can buy a gun. They were evenly split on the question.
Big Government – 2 of 2
We asked Republicans if they thought the government should place tighter restrictions on access to pornography. Most said yes.
At least they have their priorities straight.
If Jesus were alive today, would he support Donald Trump? For some reason, a lot of Republicans refused to answer this question. We hypothesize that their heads exploded.
Yes, gentle Trump, mild and meek, who feeds the poor and heals the sick, who loves his neighbor and blesses those who persecute him, who never looketh upon a woman with lust, and who did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life a ransom for many.
For November’s Pulse of the Nation survey, we asked Americans about equality.
We asked people if they’d rather live in a more equal society or a more unequal society. Almost everyone said they’d rather live in a more equal society.
Equality – 2 of 3
Look! Even Republicans want to live in a more equal society.
Equality – 3 of 3
But when we asked people about actually creating a more equal society through redistribution of wealth... womp womp! Democrats were nearly four times as likely as Republicans to say that the government should redistribute wealth.
So Republicans want a more equal society, but only if it happens by magic.
We asked people to guess how much of the country’s wealth was owned by the richest 1% of Americans. The answer is 39%, which is insane, but liberals have done such a great job panicking about inequality that most people think it’s worse.
Estimating Equality – 2 of 3
As usual, Democrats are a few years ahead of the curve. Maybe they were factoring in the effects of the Republican tax plan.
Estimating Equality – 3 of 3
The more educated you are, the more you overestimate how wealthy the top 1% is.
We were expecting people to underestimate inequality so that we could smugly correct them. Womp womp.
Is rap music? This is a very complicated question.
How you answer this question reveals a lot about the kind of person you are. People who don’t think rap is music are more likely to be older, rural, uneducated, conservative, approve of Trump, oppose welfare, and think black people benefit from welfare more than white people.
Rap – 2 of 8
Rap – 3 of 8
Rap – 4 of 8
Rap – 5 of 8
Rap – 6 of 8
Rap – 7 of 8
Rap – 8 of 8
This might be a good question to ask on a first date.
Because we could, we asked people if they thought their farts were more smelly or less smelly than other people’s farts. This question made people extremely uncomfortable: about half of respondents refused to answer or hung up the phone. Good thing we asked this question last.
Farts – 2 of 3
Women thought more highly of their farts than men.
Farts – 3 of 3
And here’s one that Republicans can enjoy: Democrats like the smell of their own farts.
For October’s Pulse of the Nation survey, we asked citizens about light-hearted topics such as white nationalism, racism, and their love for America.
Civil War II
We asked people whether they thought it was likely that there would be a civil war within the next decade.
Fuck. We found that one in three Americans think a Civil War is likely. Fuck!
Civil War II – 2 of 3
Democrats are almost twice as worried about civil war as Republicans. This is even more worrying because Democrats are usually right about things.
Civil War II – 3 of 3
People who are worried about civil war are more likely to support Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson as a candidate for president.
Maybe people worried about a civil war are looking to unite the country behind a universally beloved celebrity. Or maybe they’re looking for someone with prior military experience as a Scorpion King.
The Other Side
We asked people if they supported white nationalism, and only 9% of Republicans said yes (assuming, very generously, that they all understood the question).
Then, we had everybody guess the percentage of Republicans who supported white nationalism.
The Other Side – 2 of 3
Democrats and Independents overestimate Republicans’ support for white nationalism.
Even Republicans overestimate their own party’s support for white nationalism. On average, those who are worried about civil war vastly overestimate Republicans’ support for white nationalism.
The Other Side – 3 of 3
Republicans’ views of Democrats are not so accurate, either. Though 96% of Democrats say they love America, Republicans greatly underestimate this number.
Neither Democrats nor Republicans have any idea what the other side believes. Americans are united in their refusal to understand anyone who disagrees with them. It’s kind of beautiful when you think about it.
Fun Facts About Racism
According to our Twitter feeds, calling white people racists is an important American pastime. Just how racist do Americans think white people are?
Across demographics, most people incorrectly believe that white people are not racist. Black and Latino people are twice as likely to correctly believe that white people are, indeed, racist.
Fun Facts About Racism – 2 of 3
Now for the tricky bit. We asked people to guess how many Democrats thought most white people are racist. While only 21% of Democrats actually think most white people are racist, everyone overestimated this number.
Most people think Democrats think most white people are racist, but very few Democrats actually do. TL;DR: everyone overestimates how much Democrats hate white people.
Fun Facts About Racism – 3 of 3
All this talk about white people makes us wonder: what do black people think about all this? Turns out that they’re really worried about another civil war.
Maybe we should believe the Americans who had the most at stake in the previous Civil War.
The Power of the Dark Side
And finally, the simplest question of all: who would you rather have as President, Donald Trump or Darth Vader?
Pretty good showing for a fictional supervillain. Way to go, Darth!
The Power of the Dark Side – 2 of 3
Fully 65% of Democrats, 43% of Independents, and even 8% of Republicans prefer the order of the Galactic Empire to the chaos of the Trump administration.
The Power of the Dark Side – 3 of 3
Holy fuck. 71% of African Americans would prefer Darth Vader to Donald Trump.
For our very first Pulse of the Nation survey, we ventured into the dark minds of American citizens to see how they feel about Donald Trump and peeing in the shower.
Dumb and Happy
We began our first poll with a classic dilemma: “If you had to choose, would you rather be smart and sad, or dumb and happy?”
This was the most divisive question in our survey. 10% of our respondents were so flummoxed that they refused to answer.
Dumb and Happy – 2 of 3
Here’s the political breakdown:
Do these results prove that Republicans are happy idiots? Science can never really “prove” anything, but fuck it: the answer is yes.
Dumb and Happy – 3 of 3
Also of interest: people who prefer being smart and sad are more likely to accept the scientific consensus on climate change.
Next, we asked respondents whether they thought it was likely or unlikely that robots would take their jobs within the next decade.
Turns out that people are not nearly as worried as they should be about technological unemployment.
Robots – 2 of 3
Ethnic minorities are particularly worried about robots taking their jobs. White people are more worried about ethnic minorities taking their jobs.
Robots – 3 of 3
People who have seen more than one Transformers movie are especially worried about robots taking their jobs.
If a robot can transform into a car, then it can also transform into a customer service representative.
We asked people whether it is okay to pee in the shower, which it is. It’s not a big deal, folks. It all ends up in the same place.
We couldn’t believe that 57% of Americans hold these outdated, puritanical pee-pee beliefs.
Pee-Pee – 2 of 3
But then we looked at the age breakdown:
Our results indicate that we are in the midst of an inter-generational pee-pee revolution.
Pee-Pee – 3 of 3
Here’s the race breakdown. This is a great opportunity for you to write your own problematic joke!
Our Dumb President Asshole
No opinion poll would be complete without a reminder of our dumb asshole president’s depressingly non-zero approval rating.
What kind of person looks at the news and says “things are going pretty well”?
Our Dumb President Asshole – 2 of 3
The same kind of person who sees one Transformers movie and says, “I’d like to see another Transformers movie.”
Our Dumb President Asshole – 3 of 3
This one’s pretty self-explanatory.
Your support of Cards Against Humanity Saves America is paying for an entire year of monthly public opinion polls. We’ll keep asking Americans about the important issues of the day, like income inequality, political polarization, and the whole Trump thing. You can find all our results so far, including the raw data, here.
- September 2017: Raw Data and Crosstabs
- October 2017: Raw Data and Crosstabs
- November 2017: Raw Data and Crosstabs
- December 2017: Raw Data and Crosstabs
Are you a social scientist or academic who studies public opinion? Want to ask Americans something that no funding agency or internal review board would approve in a million years? Maybe we can help! Apply online to get your questions included in future polls.